Pat Ritter. Books

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'Greatest OMR Stories' - Page 45:
You Just Don't Want To Know
Criminal investigation work at times is thankless. When a crime is committed, serious or minor, investigative skills need to be sharp with the investigator alert to solve the crime. Being an investigator for nine years particularly when others wanted to know what happen. You just don’t want to know became the constant reply.
From many investigators with Queensland Police I was luckier than most. My wife became my sounding board after long days investigating some of the most gruesome crimes. She sat patiently listening to my babbling on about how I solved the crime. Never saying a word, just listening. At the time, I never realised how important her silence meant. I didn’t need to be told about how the crime was solved, only, someone who loved me to listen. Many years later she told me to write a book of these events I shared with her.
This morning on television, an aged man, in his eighties, being manhandled from his vehicle by a couple of sixteen-year youths who escaped from a juvenile detention centre in Melbourne. This man appeared helpless. Throwing his keys away didn’t deter these youths who found the keys and stole this aged man’s vehicle. Disgusting. What will happen to these youths when they’re eventually captured? You just don’t want to know.
Thinking about this occurrence brings back a memory of a youth, twelve years old breaking into an elderly woman’s home in search of money. This elderly lady arrived home to find this twelve-year old intruder in her home, came face to face, with him. She held her handbag tight. This youth grabbed the straps of her handbag trying to force the purse loose. To no avail. She held her handbag tighter.
This youth pushed this elderly lady to the floor, forcing her to release her hold breaking the straps of the handbag from the elderly lady’s forearm. The youth quickly left the home taking the elderly lady’s handbag with him.
Shortly after this reported incident I captured this youth still in possession of the lady’s handbag. He admitted everything about breaking into the house together with assaulting and robbing this elderly lady of her handbag.
Being a juvenile, twelve years old, before I officially interviewed him a parent or guardian needed to be present. His father arrived, looked at his son, screamed the words, ‘you tell the police everything. You understand.’ Naturally, the youth admitted his crime, returned to the house to show me what he did. The elderly lady admitted to hospital with shock and injuries.
At the impending court hearing the defence barrister submitted a nolle prosecute, which meant I needed to give evidence before the court proceeded to show the youth didn’t receive a treat, inducement, or promise to admit his guilt.
You just don’t want to know what happened. The Trial Judge discharged the youth because of the treat his father gave him when he entered the office, ‘you tell the police everything. You understand.’ The elderly lady never recovered from her injuries or shock and passed away fifteen months later. Some events in life you just don’t want to know.
Word count: 530
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'Closing The Gap' - Page 1:

Closing The Gap
How Did Closing The Gap Happen?
Thirty years ago, this book ‘Closing The Gap’ was officially launched at Queensland Parliament House, Brisbane. History of ‘Closing The Gap’ came about from an issue I discovered whilst Officer-in-Charge of Juvenile Aid Bureau, Petrie, Brisbane with teenage children running away from home.
My role in the community to protect teenage children; police teenage behaviour. A common occurrence ‘teenage children ran away from home’. Each time a teenager ran away from home my heart swelled hoping the child wouldn’t fall into danger.
This event happened almost daily. Parents reported their teenager ran away from home. Being the Officer-in-charge honestly, I had no answers to this issue. Parents normally waited for their teenager to return home, bought them to the police for a good talking to. In my mind this wasn’t the answer.
I had enough. I wanted to find the answer. Speaking to senior members of Juvenile Aid Bureau they didn’t have any answers. My Inspector at the time Don Braithwaite. His question for me to take on further studies through TAFE. Whether his instructions were a stroke of genius on his behalf or my dealing with fate and destiny.
Returning to the office I decided to call in at the local TAFE to speak with someone. Walking along a corridor a man walked toward me. I stopped. ‘I’m hoping you may be able to help me.’ I said in a concerned voice. Fate led me to meet Bob O’Sullivan, who lectured at the college.
Bob invited me to his office to explain my predicament. Bob’s advice to enrol in his ‘Behaviour’ class. I did. Attending college at night in Bob’s class among different occupations, myself, being the only police officer. Bob’s teaching started me on a journey lasting the remainder of my life.
Instead of attending college at night Bob encouraged his class members to attend a two-day workshop covering all important lessons to learn about ‘Behaviour’. I attended on a Saturday and Sunday sessions.
Finishing at four o’clock in the afternoon I went to work the evening shift. During this shift I answered a query from a concerned mother about her daughter stealing money from home to take to school. Ninety minutes we shared information, particularly, important information concerning communication Bob showed us at the workshop. By the end of the session this mother agreed to speak with her daughter.
No sooner had I arrived at work the following afternoon this mother called. She thanked me for helping her to solve their issue. I couldn’t wait to tell Bob his teachings helped me solve this issue. I wanted to thank Inspector Don Braithwaite for encouraging me to study at TAFE.
Finally, I discovered the holy grail to ‘teenager children running away from home’. Communication became my goal to teach parents how to communicate with their teenage child. After sharing this knowledge with Bob, his words. ‘We’ll write a book. You write each case study. I’ll write theory dovetailing each together.’
At first, I thought Bob lost his mind. Three years of constant writing we finally completed ‘Closing The Gap’. Fate again came to our rescue. How were we going to publish our work? The Australian Lions Drug Awareness Foundation through Lions Clubs Australia agreed to publish ‘Closing The Gap’ for distribution to all Lions Club throughout Australia and Papua New Guinea.
Please enjoy each page of this wonderful book. Tomorrow will be the first page. Enjoy!
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'Closing The Gap' - Page 2:

CHAPTER 1
How To Survive Family Turmoils
‘Before she could utter another word, I exploded. How could my daughter do this to me? I admit I lost my temper, but I just couldn’t control myself. I yelled and screamed at her and couldn’t stop until I had fully blown my top. I felt as if I was in the middle of a raging tornado and couldn’t get out. The hurt, the feeling of anguish, the hatred and disbelief, overcome me. My stomach felt like it had been torn apart. I was caught in an emotional storm. Shock and numbness took over my body.’- Fred.
What catastrophe can cause a mature, sensible adult to experience this emotional turmoil? Let’s learn from Fred’s experience.
Fred’s world started closing in on him when a friend told him he would not allow his children to associate with his daughter (then aged 13) if she continued to be a bad influence. He told Fred that she had been disruptive both within and outside the classroom and that she was encouraging his children to smoke. To say that Fred was surprised at his friend’s comments would be a major understatement. He was shocked. He could not imagine his daughter smoking let alone pressuring others to smoke as well.
Nevertheless, he spoke to her about what his friend had said. She seemed surprised and denied all knowledge of any such activities. That was good enough for Fred because he trusted and loved his daughter. He was, however, determined to say a few things to his friend. Fortunately, before doing so, Fred visited his daughter’s school. Here he learnt that his trusted daughter had lied to him.
When Fred confronted his daughter, she admitted her guilt. Fred went into a rage. Many thoughts raced through his mind, one of which was, that this was not supposed to happen in his family. Part of his job was to counsel families in just this type of situation. He had seen the suffering other families had been through and thought he understood their feelings. However, it wasn’t until he had actually experienced the same anguish himself that he really understood.
Fred was unprepared for such turmoil himself, even though he understood the theory behind these problems and had successfully helped many families in precisely this situation. You see he never expected this to happen to him. Nobody expects it to happen to them, but it does happen. Fred’s experience and his immediate reaction are not uncommon.
It wasn’t until Fred gained control of himself and started to work on the techniques which he had regularly advised other parents to do, that he started to work towards a positive outcome. He remembered that there were four ways in which he could respond to this situation. He immediately began to feel better as he started to work constructively to help his family.
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'Closing The Gap' - Page 3:

FAMILY CONFLICT:
Conflict in a family can destroy those ties that make family life something that we all aspire to. Yet the potential for conflict is ever present in our society and especially within our families.
Most of us, as Fred did initially, react negatively to conflict within our families. Part of the reason for this negative approach is simply because we do not handle conflict well. So when conflict does arise, we tend to be anxious and often select options which we later regret and which in the long term, turn out to be counter-productive.
Many relationships are strained or perhaps permanently damaged when the participants are unable to come to terms with their conflict. On the other hand, conflict can lead to a stronger, closer relationship.
Conflict can be seen as a crisis point in a relationship. If the relationship survives, it can become stronger, because a successful resolution of conflict can bring with it a feeling of real intimacy.
People are then closer to and more confident of each other for their relationship has been tested and passed the test. Conflict can trigger a sorting out of a range of issues that would otherwise not be discussed but these issues nevertheless could have soured the relationship over time.
Through conflict, we can gain a better understanding of each other and of our differing points of view. If we can work out our differences with others then we can build stronger relationships based upon equity, trust and love.
POSSIBLE RESPONSES TO FAMILY CONFLICT:
In order to assist you to learn skills a short discussion of the relevant theory is important. There are four basic ways in which you can respond to conflict in your family:
1.‘You win, I lose’.
2.‘I win, You lose’.
3.‘We both win and lose something’.
4.‘I win, You win’.
THE ‘YOU WIN, I LOSE’ RESPONSE:
When you choose this response, you are trying to smooth over a conflict situation, by saying that you agree with the other person even though you don’t really agree with them. You are prepared to forgo what you want so that the other person may have what they want.
A child, who gives way to his parents even though he thinks it is unfair, is using this response. Sometimes this is the only way a child is allowed to respond. Some people in some situations would prefer to give in because it’s simply less trouble.
This particular response to conflict is not necessarily very effective by itself because it doesn’t do anything to resolve the actual problem. The person, who loses, often takes revenge for this loss on a later, quite separate occasion.
This can even be an unconscious response which the person taking the revenge is unaware of. Most of the time this ‘I’ve got you now’ reaction is so natural that we don’t even know we are doing it.
I am sure your family can do without this type of reaction. This technique is however effective in some situations, particularly when your opponent is stronger than you.
Young children in particular will use this method when faced with an angry parent. However in some instances this method can also be appropriate for parents.
Conflict may and usually does, come at the most inconvenient time. By using this method and smoothing over the conflict, you can re-schedule the conflict to a better time and place. You may then use this extra time to your advantage by collecting information or even re-reading this guide.
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'Closing The Gap' - Page 4:

THE ‘I WIN, YOU LOSE’ RESPONSE:
Another method of responding to conflict is by competing. In other words, you go all out, thereby forcing the other person to lose. This response is the opposite of ‘You Win, I Lose’. It is a common method of conflict-handling in most families. Is it in yours?
‘If you don’t do what I want then I’ll do this to you’. If you have said something like that, then you have used this conflict response.
In certain situations the ‘I win, you lose’ response is the only effective response. For example, you don’t have a family conference when the house is on fire, to decide, which is the best way to get out of the house? You all run for the nearest door and drag whoever you can after you. Whether they want to come with you or go back for their favourite toy doesn’t really concern you. You still drag them out by force if necessary.
In some situations the ‘I win, you lose’ response may not be the most effective choice as it can be very damaging to family relationships. If you have children at school and you keep forcing them to study when you say so, then you will certainly arouse the rebellious side of their nature. Their reaction to this conflict is likely to be destructive for both parties.
However, one of the basic roles of parents is to protect their children. Therefore parents can use this conflict handling method to prevent their children being badly hurt physically, morally or emotionally.
All too often in our society, competition is frequently a standard parental response to family conflict. Where this occurs, children learn that they too should compete in conflict situations. As these children grow older, they begin to realise that they have more power. They then fight harder in an attempt to ‘win’ in conflict situations.
When both parent and teenage children are intent on ‘winning’ then the conflict takes on a life of its own and the initial issue is often lost in the struggle for independence. The final issue often then becomes one of ‘Who is the boss around here?’
This can lead to a ‘no win’ situation for both parents and their children. Parents must eventually lose as their children reach adulthood. Children finally win by breaking away from their family but both lose when there is a complete break-up of the family.
THE ‘WE BOTH WIN AND LOSE SOMETHING’ RESPONSE:
Another means of responding to conflict is by compromising. In other words, ‘we have a problem here. You want this and I want that. We both can’t have what we want so why not settle for half and split the difference’. Like the other responses this can be effective in some situations and it can be ineffective in others.
Whether a compromise solution works or not is dependent upon the thinking of those involved in the dispute. If both parties settle for a ‘fair’ compromise, then the solution may only be short term as both parties have settled for less than what they wanted.
These disputes will often recur because both parties will eventually be dissatisfied with the outcome. They may come to regard it as ‘unfair’ to them. This will occur because both parties will have different views on what is ‘fair’ in their situation. Each one will be totally sure that his version of what is ‘fair’ is the right one.
The potential for conflict is just beneath the surface and it will only take a relatively small incident for one or both parties to feel justified in restarting the dispute.
However, it we accept that a compromise does not have to be fair to work, and if we recognize that fairness is not an absolute or a defined quantity, then compromises can work.
Here the participants are satisfied with the outcome because it moves them both closer to their goal. They accept that life is not always going to be fair and therefore they don’t always expect it to be so. They are then able to accept compromises and make them work.
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'Closing The Gap' - Page 5:

THE ‘I WIN, YOU WIN’ RESPONSE (Both parties’ needs are met):
The fourth conflict response can be called the problem solving response. This particular style of conflict resolution tries to bring the conflict out into the open and allows for the understanding of the other party’s needs and goals.
The emphasis here is on both parties being happy with the outcome. When both parties are trying to help the other to win, while winning themselves, creative solutions can emerge. These solutions would not emerge if the parties are anxious, angry or pulling in different directions.
It is important to note that just sharing information in a supportive climate can result in people changing their goals and deciding to help someone else achieve theirs, thus resolving any conflict in the process.
In a family situation, particularly when you have teenage children, this type of problem solving response can be very effective. It reinforces the self-esteem of all people involved and once the fear of doing something differently is overcome, it can be a very useful and natural response.
While there may be an obvious preference for this particular conflict response, it can’t be recommended for all conflict situations. The trick to resolving conflict successfully lies in the ability to be flexible, but unfortunately flexibility is not a quality many of us have. It has been shown that each of us, most of the time, use only one or possibly two of the four different conflict resolution styles. Unfortunately we don’t stop to think which method would give us the best results.
Let us return to Fred’s experience to see what helped him in his family crisis.
Fred’s first response was naturally an emotional one. His first constructive step was to deal with his feelings and to accept the fact that his daughter had lied to him. He then began to focus on the outcome he wanted.
That outcome was for his daughter to grow up to be an independent person, able to succeed in whatever she decided to do. Once Fred had clarified his goal, he felt better. He decided to dismiss his spur of the moment, emotional solutions such as taking her to another school, as he could see they would not have contributed towards his goal.
By using the ‘I win, you win’ approach, Fred and his daughter agreed on the importance of honesty and truthfulness. He developed a way in which his daughter was allowed to strive for and eventually prove that she was worthy of her parent’s trust.
If Fred had not allowed her to do this, if he had restricted her freedom or changed her surroundings, he would have demonstrated that he could not trust her. Then he could have certainly expected repeated crisis within his family as the real problem issues would not have been dealt with. Fred chose to use the ‘I win, You win’ response. All the members of his family benefited from his decision.
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'Closing The Gap' - Page 6:

THE FIRST STEP IS SELF CONTROL:
Conflict is with us and always will be. Usually we become anxious in conflict situations. When we become anxious, we cease to be able to reason logically and often we’re not even able to see the effects of our actions on us or those around us. We feel as if we have no choices and we are forced by the other person to behave the way we do. We feel that it is the other person’s fault.

We always have the power
To choose our behaviour.

When dealing with interpersonal conflict, it is important that you are cool, collected and prepared at the start of the discussion. If you are frustrated and rushed at the start, the chances of a constructive solution are not good.
CHOOSING YOUR RESPONSE:
It is important to remember that all four responses are appropriate in different situations at different times and with different people. So if you consistently use one method, even if it is the ‘I win You win’ response, it might so happen that you will use it in an inappropriate situation and then the conflict you are trying to solve may escalate instead.
The important thing to do is to analyse how you are responding and to evaluate how successfully you are handling conflict at the moment. If you are not happy with the success rate, think about choosing a different response.
When choosing your response you should not only look at what will resolve the problem in the short-term but whether the problem will reoccur in the long-term.
For instance, you may have a particular problem – say your son has come home an hour late and missed his homework time. You can force a solution to that problem by punishing him. If you did this, you would be using the competitive ‘I win, You lose’ response.
This response, however, could end up having a negative effect in the long run because your son may rebel against your punishment, seeing it as unfair and unjust.
He may decide that even if he has to sit at his desk, he is just not going to study as you want him to. Instead he may choose to read a magazine or just sit there and daydream. In this situation you have won the battle but lost the war and your son lost both the battle and the war.
In this situation no one really gains anything. There was just such an experience in my own life. My parents forced me to study during my high school years. I rebelled by reading a novel and pretended to study whenever my parents came into the room.
I became quite expert at hiding novels under study books and listening for the sounds of approaching parents. We both lost the battle and I also lost the war.
After leaving home, I decided to study for a degree but found it extremely difficult to study. I now realise that I had learnt to be dependent upon my parent’s constant reminders to study. I had learnt to associate sitting down to study with daydreaming and relaxation.
My parents thought they were helping me to study and to achieve my goals. The way that I reacted to their help provided me with a handicap when I actually wanted to study.
It is important that you look at the long term and short term effects of using a particular response to conflict. In some instances, such as in a life threatening emergency, the short term is more important. In other situations the long term understanding will be far more vital. The important thing is to have an understanding of the four methods and be able to implement the appropriate method for the particular situation.
One way to develop this skill is to try the different responses. Analyse the situation and choose the response you think will be the most effective. Then try this method and assess the results. If it doesn’t work try another method. Learn to analyse the situation first, then make an informed choice and finally evaluate that choice.
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