Pat Ritter. Books

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'Closing The Gap' - Page 7:

CHAPTER 2
How To Respond Constructively To Family Problems:
Parents and problems are two words that seem to go hand in hand. All parents have problems be they large or small. Everyone has, has had, or will have, problems. Problems, like conflict, are part of everyone’s life. Therefore the way we handle problems as parents is very important.
Firstly, we act as role models for our children. This means that children are likely to copy their parent’s reaction to problems. If we react to a problem by choosing the first solution that pops into our head, then we should not be surprised if they react in the same way.
Secondly, the quality of our solutions has a direct bearing on their lives. If we handle our problems well, then they will generally share in the rewards.
WHOSE PROBLEM IS IT?
It is important that parents have the ability to clarify who has the responsibility for a problem. ‘Responsibility’ is not meant to suggest blame, but rather who actually possesses the problem. Is it my personal problem? Is it my son’s problem? Is it a family problem? If it is my problem then I must take the responsibility for solving it. If it is my son’s problem then he must take responsibility for solving it. If it is a family problem then all members must take responsibility, provided the children are old enough to contribute in a meaningful way.
Deciding whose problem it is, is vital.
Parents have a natural tendency to try and solve problems irrespective of whose problem it is. If we try to solve our children’s problems then we cannot win. If we fail, it is all our fault. (Generally we do fail because our children have no commitment to the solution and so provide little effort to make it work.)
If we do happen to provide a successful solution, then not only do they take the credit for it but also we have robbed them of valuable life experience. We have made them more dependent upon us instead of less dependent.
When safety is not a factor, they are better off choosing a bad solution and learning from their mistake than they are being dependent upon someone else’s decision-making skills.
Thus the decision to become involved in a problem or not, is as important as the quality of the solution. The test of whose problem it is, is simple: Ask: ‘Who is going to be affected by the outcome?’
If the answer is you and you alone, then it is your problem. If the answer is your son, then it is his problem. For example, if your son has to be constantly reminded to be on time for his football practice, then you have taken responsibility for getting him there on time. Who is going to be affected if he is late? He is. Then let him be late and let him take the consequences. This will allow him to learn to be responsible for his actions.
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IF IT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
How do you react if you decide that a problem is your responsibility? Do you act with calm logic and with due care to all the possible implications of your decision? Perhaps on some occasions we do, but on other occasions we tend to react instinctively.
Some of these instinctive decisions can be based more on emotions than on facts. When we are calm we tend to go through a series of sequential steps to reach our decisions.
They are:
1. Define the problem and determine the outcome that you desire.
2. Collect any available information which is relevant to the problem.
3. Develop possible solutions and evaluate their likely outcome.
4. Select the best solution.
5. Implement the chosen solution.
6. Evaluate the effectiveness of your decision.
When we make decisions such as buying a house or buying a car most of us generally follow this sort of process. When buying a car we decide what sort of car we need. We then gather information which allows us to develop a list of possibilities, we select the one which best suits our needs and assess its performance as we use it. This information is then used when we wish to buy our next car.
This is all very well when we are dealing with material objects but when we deal with problems involving people we tend to allow ourselves to become emotionally involved. We often react instinctively in the heat of the moment and lose some of the calm detachment that we have when dealing with objects rather than people.
At times an emotional involvement can hinder the solution to a problem. Sometimes we are more concerned with allocating blame and taking revenge rather than concentrating on how to solve the problem. When we are emotionally involved we stop considering the issues, perhaps to defend ourselves, often by attacking others. In this situation we do not even admit the possibility that we could be wrong.
By reacting emotionally we lose our ability to see the issues objectively. We firmly believe that the problem was caused by someone else, that we are blameless and that the solution rests with the other person doing the right thing.
RESOLVING INTERPERSONAL PROBLEMS:
Cast your mind back to Fred’s experience. Recall that he didn’t expect his daughter to lie to him, so when it did happen, his natural reaction was emotional.
Parents who are unaware of what they can do to resolve family conflicts will go through stages of anxiety, grief and anger (a normal part of human behaviour in these circumstances) but these emotions do nothing to help them solve the problem.
Fred’s experience also shows us that people often try to solve the symptoms of a problem rather than the cause of the problem. We tend to do this because we feel very uncomfortable when we are experiencing interpersonal problems.
Being uncomfortable, we tend to look for an easy and quick solution. Thus we often try to solve the problem by clutching the first solution that we think of. Reaction to problems in this way often creates further problems. We may find that we have suppressed the symptoms but then the underlying problem will take on new symptoms.
For example Fred’s first thoughts about solving his problem was to send his daughter to another school. This course of action would have solved only the symptom, not the cause of the problem, but Fred could have done this firmly believing that he was doing the right thing for his daughter.
Taking his daughter out of the company she was in and putting her among strangers would probably have been ineffective, as she would most likely have been more susceptible to peer group influence because of her desire to fit in with her new schoolmates.
Thus the problem would then have recurred at some time later. Another example of the symptom being solved rather than the cause is when we send a child to his room to study.
Hanging around the house and not doing any homework is the symptom of a problem, not the cause. The main problem is how can we encourage the child to want to study.
Very often we are only solving symptoms because we do not know what the real problem is. Either we cannot find the real problem or we decide not to look too closely for we may have to share responsibility for it. It is simply easier to say he’s lazy and then try to force him to study.
It is a natural reaction to put the blame for a problem on someone else.
‘You make me upset.’
‘If it weren’t for you I’d…’
‘After all the things I’ve done for you.’
‘It’s all your fault.’
These are common statements that we all make. What we are really saying is that we have had no responsibility for the problem. It is sometimes easier to blame someone else than it is to acknowledge our own short-comings.
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ALL FAMILY MEMBERS CAN HELP TO RESOLVE PROBLEMS:
There are significant advantages to be gained by involving your children in the problem solving process. One advantage is that they will begin to learn about the realities of life that they will face when they are adults.
Let me explain this by an example. Imagine that you have been taking your family to a particular holiday spot for several years because it is easy to get to and you can spend a relaxing two weeks while still keeping within your budget. Your children now tell you that they are bored with that location and want to go somewhere more exciting.
Simply telling them that it is not up to them to decide where to go and to stop complaining, will have several negative consequences. An alternative approach would be to explain that as your money is not unlimited, the family holiday cannot cost more than the budget figure. The children could then be invited to compile a list of possible destinations which would fit this budget.
A number of outcomes from this exercise are possible: (a) they may be able to find a better holiday location (everybody wins); (b) they may realise that the spot they were going to wasn’t so bad after all (everybody wins); (c) they may decide that there are other ways to make a holiday more interesting for example by camping out instead of renting a unit and using the money saved for extra entertainment (everyone wins).
Whatever the final outcome, the problem-solving experience can be a positive one for all the family.
One of the major advantages that family decision making has, is that if all members contribute to the making of a decision, then they are more likely to be committed to the decision. Thus if your teenage son has had some input into the questions of when he is to come home from a night out, then there is more chance of disciplining himself in line with those guidelines than there is if his parents had simply told him to be home at a certain time (or else).
Family problem solving stimulates communication and allows each member of the family to put their views and feelings forward in a supportive family environment. Problems can actually bring a family closer together if all members work as a team towards a common objective.
Another advantage of family decision making is simply that ‘two heads can be better than one’. Frequently by having a family discussion, you will generate a better solution to a problem than if only one person made the decision. Your children may know something that you are unaware of and if you don’t ask them for their views, then don’t be surprised if they lament that ‘our parents don’t understand us’. The actual decision you arrive at may be a higher quality decision because of the participation of other family members.
To make family decisions more effective, parents should also be aware of the disadvantages in family decision making. One of the disadvantages is that it can be time consuming. However, the time you would have to spend to reach a decision with your children can be very valuable in itself as today’s parents often spend little time actually communicating with their children.
Obviously not all decisions should be taken with the full involvement of all family members. For example, if you have to decide whether to move interstate to accept a good job offer, you and your spouse may be the only family members with a full knowledge of all the future ramifications of this problem. Even in this case though, a family meeting could be held to explain to the children the reasons for the decision and to bring out into the open any fears that the children may have.
Another major problem with family decision making is the lack of skill that most of us have when holding such a meeting. Parents have to be able to handle this type of meeting effectively. It is no use calling a meeting together and then telling the children to be quiet and listen. Children have to be encouraged to make a real contribution to the discussions. The effectiveness of family meetings will depend on the parent’s ability to set the scene and to foster the development of the other family members.
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IT’S OK FOR PARENTS TO SAY NO!
Family meetings do not abrogate parents’ responsibility. As parents, we have a responsibility for our children i.e. their health, safety and development. We should not lightly disregard our views in favour of our children’s in such important matters. Parents can agree on standards, clearly communicate these standards to their children and caringly but firmly uphold them.
If we feel that it is unsafe for our child to go somewhere, then it is not necessarily wrong to ban him irrespective of whether the child feels it is safe or not. But we must be prepared to bear the consequences of that decision and to endeavour to gain our child’s understanding of our reasons.
Your understanding of these issues will assist you to build stronger family relations. This is in fact what had been experienced by Jane and her parents. The turmoil that her family was going through was not just because of their financial hardship but more importantly, because of the way Jane’s parents reacted to this problem.
Jane was bought to speak with Pat (co-author) by her parents because she had run away from home. Her parents were shocked and outraged by Jane’s behaviour and they wanted someone to straighten her out. It became obvious during the discussion, that all three had justified their behaviour to themselves.
All three believed they were in the right. All three felt blameless. Jane’s parents felt that she had no cause to act the way she did. They were angry and hurt but then so was Jane; otherwise she would not have run away. Jane felt that running away was the only thing she could do. It wasn’t of course, but Jane felt that it was.
Jane’s parents had hidden their financial problems from her while they argued with each other about who was responsible. The arguments worsened until Jane felt there was no option but to leave home. She had realized something was wrong and had begun to feel that she was responsible for her family’s conflict.
She said that she could no longer listen to the arguments. Jane’s parents had become entangled in emotional arguments instead of coming to grips with the cause of the problems. They were on a non productive merry-go-round which was contributing to the break-up of their family.
The only way this problem could be resolved was through frank and open communication together with the application of the problem solving process outlined earlier. Only in this way could each member feel needed and useful.
Jane and her parents talked to each other and most importantly, listened to each other’s views. They stopped attacking each other and instead started to attack the financial problems they were having together. They left Pat’s office as a family, realizing that they would have to work at it to keep it that way.
The way a family handles its problems says a lot about the quality and strength of the relationship within that family. Take time now to think about how your family reacts to its problems.
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'Closing The Gap' - Page 11:

CHAPTER 3
HOW TO RECOGNIZE AND DEAL WITH STRESS IN YOURSELF AND YOUR FAMILY:
‘What is happening to me? Everything seems to be crowding in on me. Everyone wants me to do too many things. I can’t stand it anymore. The next person who asks me for something is going to cop it!’
All of us have felt like this to varying degrees at various times. When we are like this we aren’t doing ourselves or our families any good. One of the primary responsibilities of parents is to look after themselves properly, for parents are the foundation upon which their family is based.
If we are stretched beyond our limits, we become anxious and irritable. This condition is not conductive to building stronger family relationships. In fact it actively works against it. When we are in this state, we may send messages that we may not really mean like ‘leave me alone’ or ‘it’s all your fault.’
This condition is not so bad if it is only temporary, but if it is long-term we can seriously damage our relationships with our most important support group, our family. If we continually snap and reject family members or if we are always too busy to spend time developing our relationships, then this has a negative impact on all the family.
A parent may, simply by becoming angry with their spouse, induce an emotional reaction in one of their children particularly if the child is young. The child may wrongfully blame himself for the change of behaviour in his parent. This could lead to a lowering of his self-esteem and even a drop in his scholastic performance.
Long periods of stress frequently result in ill health as our bodies simply wear out. The impact of a patient’s ill health on their family is significant. It places greater stress on the rest of the family. Not only do the chores of the sick parent have to be allocated to other family members but additional chores are created in caring for the sick parent. All these difficulties are of course magnified if the family’s income is significantly reduced because of the illness.
But perhaps more devastating than this, are the lessons that our children learn from our behaviour.
If we are unable to manage ourselves and pass on good values in vital areas such as diet, exercise and relaxation, then we cannot be surprised if our children take more notice of our actions than our words. An obvious example of this is the parent who requires alcohol to get through the day but tells his children of the evils of drugs. Children take more notice of how you act than what you say.
Stress has no age barrier
Stress affects everyone, parents, teachers and students. Our body’s reaction to stress is in itself a very necessary one and one that is essential for our own survival. All of us can improve our lives by learning to react to stress in a constructive rather than a destructive way. When we learn to use stress to assist us to reach our goals, it becomes a positive part of our lives. But before we can harness the positive side of stress, we must have a basis understanding of exactly what stress is, how it works and how you and your family react to it.
Thus the early emphasis in this section will be on how to recognize when you are under stress and what effect it has on you, after which we discuss a number of stress reducing techniques.
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HOW STRESS AFFECTS US:
Stress affects people in different ways because we all have our own individual ways of reacting to stress. Some of these methods are effective while others are not.
The basic response to stress in man is what scientists have called the ‘fight’ or ‘flight’ response. This occurs when we are aroused, for example, when we become aware of being in a physically dangerous situation.
Imagine a situation of physical danger – a mugger is after you – and you decide that ‘flight’ is the appropriate action. Your body automatically energises. You run like the wind drawing on all your reserves. Finally you succeed in getting away from him.
When you realise you’re safe, you then collapse on the ground and your body automatically relaxes. This relaxation has a calming effect on your nervous system. It may take some time before your body is ready to allow you to continue your journey.
Each time your nervous system is aroused, your body looks forward to and expects the experience of relaxation. Our body is conditioned to expect this, irrespective of whether the threat is physical or psychological.
Our mind is so powerful that the danger does not even have to be real before our body reacts automatically. For example, a strange noise in the night can set off a ‘fight or flight’ response even if we are in no actual danger.
If for some reason we do not allow our body to relax then our ‘fight or flight’ response will go through three stages.
1.The first stage will be the alarm reaction where the brain sends messages to the body for physical changes to occur automatically in preparation for ‘flight’ or ‘fight’. At this stage our body mobilises our energy to ensure our survival in the face of a perceived threat to our security.
2.The second stage will be the resistance stage. Here the body equips us to fight or take flight to the best of our ability. However no one can be at this level of intensity indefinitely. If we try to do this, we approach the next stage.
3.Resistance gives way to exhaustion. Our body starts to show symptoms of wear and tear.
If we experience continual stress and respond to it destructively, our body will simply wear out. If we become aware of the physical and psychological damage we are doing to ourselves, then we may begin to notice some of the following symptoms:

Physical signs of excessive wear and tear
Feelings of exhaustion and fatigue
But unable to sleep
Frequent headaches or migraines.
Stomach pains, cramps, nausea.
Rashes that will not go away.
Shortness of breath.
Trembling hands and excess sweating.
Muscle tension, spasm, backache.
Loss of sexual drive.
Rapid speech.
An increase in blood pressure.
Psychological signs of excessive wear and tear
Frequent mood changes.
Feelings of depression.
Anger at self and others.
Suspicion and anxiety.
Feelings of inadequacy.
Feeling that nobody cares.
‘Scapegoating’ or blaming others.
Loss of sense of humour.
Inability to relax.
Irritability over trivial matters.

You may have experienced one or more of these symptoms, but it doesn’t automatically follow that your body is falling apart. However if you frequently experience any of the above over a period of time, now is the time to change.
In dealing with stress it is important to know:

1.when we feel stress
and;
2.what symptom is provokes in us.

When we are able to identify the symptoms we can look for the cause. We can then develop basic stress management techniques to assist us to react constructively.
When considering solutions, it is important to realise that some solutions will be found in choosing to alter your environment or lifestyle. Others will be found internally by choosing to alter the way you look at, and thereby react to, the world as you perceive it. All solutions must start with a personal commitment to change. There is no magic wand. You are responsible for the way you feel. Only YOU can make the change.
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'Closing The Gap' - Page 13:

DEALING WITH STRESS:
As we all respond to stress differently, it is important to identify your own existing responses. You may find that one of the causes of stress in your life is the behaviour of others, perhaps even your immediate family.
If this is the case, it is easy to blame others for what you feel, but this does not help solve the problem. In fact this natural reaction is part of the problem. Let us digress briefly here and look at why people have this effect on us.
The first thing to understand is that for each behaviour, there is a cause or reason. If you find some behaviour unsatisfactory, then one of the things that help us to remain cool and calm, is to try and find out what caused that behaviour. The cause may be unexpected but it is important that before the problem can be resolved, you know why that behaviour took place.
Using your conflict resolving skills (Chapter 1), problem-solving skills (Chapter 2) and communication skills (Chapter 4), you can get to the bottom of the problem and find out what is actually happening.
Once the cause of the behaviour has been identified, then action can take place if both parties agree that they do not want the same situation to occur again. This in itself is an important stress reduction technique, for now both parties can work towards a common goal and feel relaxed instead of anxious in each other’s company.
One important fact which must be acknowledged before we can effectively deal with stress is that it is our brain which controls our stress response. Stress is not external to us. It is in fact, within us.
Have you ever noticed that something which caused stress in one person didn’t have the same effect on another person? The situation that faces us is not itself stressful. What is stressful is the interpretation we place on that situation.
The pressures of life are all around us and the way that we react to these pressures determines the stress that we place ourselves under.
Stress is within us
To demonstrate that stress is within the person and not the situation, let’s look at the hypothetical reactions of two parents who, through their school’s parents committee, are to represent their organisation in a nationally televised summit.
The two parents’ individual responses to this situation could differ dramatically.
One parent who is an accomplished speaker may be able to handle the situation without any problems at all. If, however, the other parent hasn’t spoken to a group before, let alone been in front of a camera, then it is quite likely that the pressure of the situation will activate a stress response within that person.
The situation is the same, but the two people handle it differently, with different outcomes. One parent may respond with the best speech of his life, while the other may be too sick to speak.
If a certain event fills you with dread, then you will feel anxious and your body will react negatively. If you look forward to the event with enthusiasm and pleasure, then you will feel excitement and your body will react positively. The difference is very real and can easily be observed by those around you even though it is a matter of how you’re seeing it, rather than what you’re seeing.
Different responses in different people can occur even though the situation is the same. Also one person may react differently to similar situations at different times in their life.
STRESS REDUCTION TECHNIQUES:
There are four simple stress reduction techniques which are available to all of us irrespective of our income, location or career.
These are:
1.Rational Emotive Therapy
2.Relaxation
3.Diet
4.Exercise
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'Closing The Gap' - Page 14:

RATIONAL EMOTIVE THERAPY:
A very effective stress reduction technique is Rational Emotive Therapy (or RET for short). The theory behind RET indicates that there are always three elements to any behaviour.
There is the situation itself, the interpretation that you put upon that situation and the outcome.
It is suggested that the way you interpret the situation is directly related to your self image. If you are not confident of your ability to tackle a particular situation, then you may be afraid of failure. This very fear could become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
The more you expect to fail, the greater is the belief that you will, irrespective of your ability. The more you fail, the more you expect to fail. We then tell ourselves that we aren’t any good and we believe ourselves.
The result is a negative self image and a negative interpretation of similar situations in the future, which then leads to the expected failure.
Proponents of RET enthusiastically point out that if we can learn to fail, then by changing the messages we send to ourselves we can learn to succeed.
Once we realise that we have choices in the way we behave, then we realise that the situation itself doesn’t determine the outcome but rather, our interpretation does. Therefore, the outcome of a situation can’t and won’t change until our interpretation does, but if we change our interpretation from a negative to a positive one then we will change the outcome.
The key to changing an unfavourable outcome to a favourable outcome lies in changing our interpretation of the event.
We are always placing our interpretation on the people and events that make up our life. For example, suppose you were walking down the road and a friend jogs past. You say, ‘hello’ but your friend ignores you and keeps running.
If you have learnt to behave negatively then you are likely to put a negative interpretation on this event. The outcome will then be negative ‘well if he is that rude to me, then in future I’ll be rude to him’.
On the other hand, someone with a positive self image will put a positive interpretation on this event. The outcome will be positive ‘he must have been concentrating so hard he didn’t hear me’.
In this example, the different interpretation will certainly lead to different outcomes when these two people next meet.
Even though you have learnt to behave in a certain manner, this does not mean that it is necessarily an effective reaction. Once you are aware of being uneasy in a certain situation, you can examine your expectation of that situation. You can then change you interpretation and thus change the outcome.
RELAXATION:
One of the most natural responses to stress is relaxation. It is easy to learn and easy to use. It is effective regardless of the cause of stress. If you haven’t tried it before, try it now. Read through these instructions first and then give it a go. Perhaps you may like to make a recording and relax while you play the recording back.
Like any physical skill, practice makes perfect. The more you practice, the more effective this technique will be. Twice a day is more effective than once a day.
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'Closing The Gap' - Page 15:

RELAXATION:
One of the most natural responses to stress is relaxation. It is easy to learn and easy to use. It is effective regardless of the cause of stress. If you haven’t tried it before, try it now. Read through these instructions first and then give it a go. Perhaps you may like to make a recording and relax while you play the recording back.
Like any physical skill, practice makes perfect. The more you practice, the more effective this technique will be. Twice a day is more effective than once a day.
THE 8 MINUTE RELAXATION PLAN:
Minute 1:
In a quiet room and in a comfortable chair assume a restful position and a quiet, passive attitude.
Take four deep breaths. Make each one deeper than the one before. Hold the first inhalation for 4 seconds, the second one for 5 seconds, the third for 6 seconds and the fourth one for 7 seconds.
Pull the tension from all parts of your body into your lungs and exhale it with each expiration. Feel more relaxed with each breath.
Minute 2:
Count backwards from 10 to 0. Breathe naturally and with each exhalation, count one number and feel more and more relaxed as you approach 0.
With each count you descend a relaxation stairway and become more deeply relaxed until you are totally relaxed at 0.
Minutes 3-7:
In your mind go to a place that you find particularly pleasant and restful. Stay there for about four minutes. Visualise the beauty around you, listen to the sounds. Using all your senses try vividly but passively, to capture the feelings of that place and time.
Minute 8:
Bring your attention back to yourself. Count slowly from 0 to 10. Feel the energy, vitality and health flow through your body. Open your eyes. Feel alert and ready to resume your activities.
DIET:
The computer industry has a very explicit phrase. It is ‘garbage in, garbage out’. It’s simply means if you put useless data into the computer, you can only get useless data out. Our bodies work along the same lines.
The food we choose to nourish our body with can have a positive or a negative effect. It can assist us to live a long and full life or it can impair both our physical and mental performance.
Unfortunately many of us have learnt bad eating habits, and it is interesting to note that these bad habits were learnt from others. Therefore the example we set for our children could have a life-long effect on them.
We have the choice to be a positive or a negative influence on our children. By eating a sensible well-balanced diet, we will have a positive influence. We will also feel better, look better and in fact be better.
EXERCISE:
Exercise utilizes the energy that our body has built up for fight or flight. It is a constructive outlet for this energy. Your body will become fitter and better able to cope with a hectic lifestyle.
Parents who exercise regularly achieve both physical and emotional rewards. The physical rewards are to feel good, to have energy and be able to interact with your children in strenuous activities.
All this as well as the emotional rewards of being a positive influence on your children’s life habits, puts the argument for exercise in the essential class even if you have to alter your lifestyle to do it.
If you are saying that exercise just isn’t for you, then try relaxation and good dietary habits first. You will begin to feel better and exercise will become much easier for you.
Relaxation, diet and exercise actually have a combined effect greater than their individual contribution to your health. A small improvement in each area can make a big difference to you.
WE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE WAY WE FEEL:
While the importance of what we have been talking about cannot be underestimated, diet, relaxation and exercise are only one side of the coin. The other side is our mental well-being. The way that we use our mind has implications for the health of our body.
Follow through this exercise. Record the following words very slowly giving yourself 30 seconds between each paragraph. Then play the recording back while you are lying on your bed or sitting in your favourite chair.
(START OF RECORDING)
Sit back and relax. Close your eyes. Let the pressures of the day fall away. Think of a favourite spot where you go to relax. Visualise yourself resting in this special place.
How does your body feel? Are you relaxed and comfortable?
Now into your idyllic scene comes someone that you care about – someone you love and trust. Someone who has given you pleasure and comfort. Visualise yourself with that special person.
How does your body feel now? Are you more comfortable and relaxed?
But then your companion moves on and a person you dislike intensely comes into your line of vision. You see that person approaching you. Closer and closer.
What is happening to your body now?
(END OF RECORDING)
After you play back the tape, relax for a minute and read on. Did you find that your pulse quickened? Were you tense? Did your muscles tighten up? If so, why did these things happen to you? Not because a person you dislike had entered into your idyllic scene. For this person isn’t actually near you. You were in no way physically threatened by this person. Then why did your body react this way?
Your body reacts this way because your mind cannot always tell the difference between what you see and experience in reality, and what you see and vividly experience in your imagination.
As far as your mind is concerned, this person actually came into your personal space. The person didn’t do anything to you and was never going to do anything to you, but his presence in your imagination was enough to trigger a stress reaction in your body.
If someone was looking at you while you were doing this exercise, they may have noticed tightening of the facial muscles. This would be evidence of an outward involuntary physical reaction to a mental picture.
Now let’s look at this logically. This person isn’t doing anything to cause your reaction. What is happening is that you are causing the changes. In other words, you are allowing your body to react in this way in this situation.
While there was no physical danger during this exercise, many of the symptoms that you experienced would occur in an actual threatened situation. Your body was on a ‘fight or flight’ footing.
Let’s develop this example further. Imagine the person you dislike is in reality someone you often come in contact with or think about reasonably often, because as we’re just determined, you don’t have to be in contact with someone for that person to have an impact on your body.
Previously we mentioned three stages of stress. First was the alarm stage, and then came the resistance stage and finally the exhaustion stage. It’s entirely logical that if you hate someone badly enough, then that person will frequently come into your thoughts.
If he occupies your thoughts, then your body will react as if you’re in physical danger. If you continue to hate that person, your body will continue to react. You will go through the alarm stage, the resistance stage and perhaps the exhaustion stage. Remember that this last step is where the body actually begins to wear out.
If you hate someone badly enough, for long enough, you will injure yourself both mentally and physically. This hate that you feel for someone is something that is inside you. Something you have control over.
If we choose to hate, we are actually causing ourselves a disservice. Note that you would hurt yourself, not that he would hurt you, because you have control over your thoughts, you have choices. You can choose to hate and therefore hurt yourself, or you can choose not to hate and consequently not hurt yourself.
John’s experience when he was a youth is an example of being responsible for the way you feel. John was brought up in the bush and managed to accumulate an amazingly large number of enemies in a short space of time.
His reaction to his enemies was to fight; in fact, he had more fights than he had hot meals. He made enemies out of everyone he met because he thought everyone hated him. He was probably right.
He walked around as tense as a loaded spring, ready to fight at a moment’s notice over real or imagined provocations. If people were friendly, John wondered about how they would betray him.
Then he would look out for any signs that would back up his suspicions. He would then interpret their actions (whatever they were) as confirming his suspicions. His health began to show the effects of his body’s constant tension, caused by the hate he carried. He was like a time bomb ready to go off at any time.
John began to realise that if he was to have a future, he must change. What choices did he have?
He had two choices. He could change his enemies or he could change himself. Obviously he couldn’t change his enemies. He realised that to change any relationship, you have to change yourself. So this is what he did.
He decided he wasn’t going to hate his enemies anymore and that they were now going to be his friends. He was determined to be friends no matter what their reactions were. So the next time a situation arose where he usually would have fought, he simply smiled, slapped them on the back, joked and walked away.
Imagine the confusion! Someone that you’re used to fighting with, suddenly acts differently and not only that, but is friendly as well. John said, ‘the boot was now on the other foot.’ As far as he was concerned, they were his friends and he would always treat them as such.
How they reacted to this was their problem. If they still hated him, that was up to them but he would look to find evidence of friendship in all that they did.
What he did, was to do himself a favour. Instead of carrying around a hate, he carried around forgiveness. He didn’t know if the others were any happier from his change of attitude, but he did know that he was certainly happier and healthier.
Giving up hate worked for him. If you hate or have negative feelings for someone, it doesn’t hurt that person. The only person who gets hurt is you.
Forgiving others is a necessary step in helping yourself.
You are simply happier and healthier when you don’t hate anyone. Think back on the times when you’ve been happy. Weren’t these times when you felt neither hate nor distrust? One of the objectives of this guide is for you to be happier and more comfortable with yourself.
It can’t happen all the time, because after all, we are human. When you are feeling off-side with someone analyse what is happening and why, and take the appropriate corrective action. People who are able to do this will be noted for their good humour and their friendliness. It simply makes better sense to be friends rather than enemies. You gain more personally from being a friend, even when others let you down.
To lead a healthy lifestyle, not only does the body have to be healthy, but the mind has to be healthy as well. If you have negative thoughts, release them now. Examine what is happening around you and learn from it. If events are not going your way perhaps you can still learn from them.
One of the reasons why we give ourselves negative feelings about other people is because we expect them to think like us. We then misinterpret their actions as John did and say to ourselves ‘OK, you don’t like me so I don’t like you’, and proceed to act in a negative way towards them. This in turn draws a negative reaction from them and of course thereafter we feel justified in disliking them.
One of the reasons why we fall for this cycle of events is that deep down we’re unsure of how we feel about ourselves. If we don’t feel that we are confident, lovable individuals, then it is very difficult for us to realise that someone else can love us or have a positive relationship with us. So if we’re not positive about our own self-worth, these sorts of situations tend to occur.
One of the causes of this behaviour lies in each person’s perception of the other. You can do your part to improve relationships by changing your perception of the other person. Then you will tend to change your actions and this will then have an impact on the other person.
We can all learn from Will Rogers, a famous American comedian who once said, ‘I have never met a man I didn’t like’.
I don’t think this quite reflects upon the type of people Will Rogers mixed with, as much as if it reflects his own personal philosophy and his positive approach to life in general.
Sometime during his lifetime, he would have experienced something unpleasant for him personally but he still managed to say this statement and believe it. We can all learn from this. We may not be able to make the same statement but certainly we can forgive others and go on to build a better life for ourselves.
Someone who is confident about their own self-worth will have fewer enemies and negative feelings than someone who isn’t. This may be because they feel that they can deal with any problem more easily than a person with little confidence feels they can.
In other words, they are more confident and possess a more positive attitude. We must be at peace with ourselves before we can be at peace with others.
The two important issues that have been raised here in terms of mental health are:
* We must develop and maintain a positive image of ourselves.
* We must be capable of forgiving ourselves and others.
These issues go hand in hand. They are inseparable.
AFFIRMATIONS (Positive Self Talk)
The most powerful force for self change that we have available to us is our self talk, that is, what we say to ourselves. Our self-talk directly influences our self-esteem. Therefore one way in which you can build your self-esteem is by using your self-talk constructively. This is done by sending yourself positive messages that your mind will eventually come to believe in.
If you tell yourself something long enough, your subconscious will accept it and you will begin to act that way. If you act as though you like a person you might build a friendship. You certainly will lose an enemy. After all, it takes two to fight.
John Lennon sang an affirmation in one of his songs: ‘Every day, in every way, I’m getting better and better’. Those simple words are important and if you repeat them frequently, you will find yourself believing them. Used as part of an overall program for change, affirmations can be very effective in raising your self-esteem.
When your self-esteem rises, it is easier to apply the other techniques of relaxation, a balanced diet, sensible exercise and rational emotive therapy.
Here is a good mental diet that is relevant to all of us.
* Carry no grudges.
* Put the best possible interpretation upon everyone’s actions.
* Send out a kindly thought towards any person who is being antagonistic.
* Think hopefully at all times.
* See only the best happening.
Once you become aware that you are the ‘captain of your ship’, you begin to realise that you need only experience stress when you choose to do so.
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