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Re: Pat Ritter. Books

Postby patritter » Mon Apr 30, 2018 10:31 pm

'Closing The Gap' - Page 4:

THE ‘I WIN, YOU LOSE’ RESPONSE:
Another method of responding to conflict is by competing. In other words, you go all out, thereby forcing the other person to lose. This response is the opposite of ‘You Win, I Lose’. It is a common method of conflict-handling in most families. Is it in yours?
‘If you don’t do what I want then I’ll do this to you’. If you have said something like that, then you have used this conflict response.
In certain situations the ‘I win, you lose’ response is the only effective response. For example, you don’t have a family conference when the house is on fire, to decide, which is the best way to get out of the house? You all run for the nearest door and drag whoever you can after you. Whether they want to come with you or go back for their favourite toy doesn’t really concern you. You still drag them out by force if necessary.
In some situations the ‘I win, you lose’ response may not be the most effective choice as it can be very damaging to family relationships. If you have children at school and you keep forcing them to study when you say so, then you will certainly arouse the rebellious side of their nature. Their reaction to this conflict is likely to be destructive for both parties.
However, one of the basic roles of parents is to protect their children. Therefore parents can use this conflict handling method to prevent their children being badly hurt physically, morally or emotionally.
All too often in our society, competition is frequently a standard parental response to family conflict. Where this occurs, children learn that they too should compete in conflict situations. As these children grow older, they begin to realise that they have more power. They then fight harder in an attempt to ‘win’ in conflict situations.
When both parent and teenage children are intent on ‘winning’ then the conflict takes on a life of its own and the initial issue is often lost in the struggle for independence. The final issue often then becomes one of ‘Who is the boss around here?’
This can lead to a ‘no win’ situation for both parents and their children. Parents must eventually lose as their children reach adulthood. Children finally win by breaking away from their family but both lose when there is a complete break-up of the family.
THE ‘WE BOTH WIN AND LOSE SOMETHING’ RESPONSE:
Another means of responding to conflict is by compromising. In other words, ‘we have a problem here. You want this and I want that. We both can’t have what we want so why not settle for half and split the difference’. Like the other responses this can be effective in some situations and it can be ineffective in others.
Whether a compromise solution works or not is dependent upon the thinking of those involved in the dispute. If both parties settle for a ‘fair’ compromise, then the solution may only be short term as both parties have settled for less than what they wanted.
These disputes will often recur because both parties will eventually be dissatisfied with the outcome. They may come to regard it as ‘unfair’ to them. This will occur because both parties will have different views on what is ‘fair’ in their situation. Each one will be totally sure that his version of what is ‘fair’ is the right one.
The potential for conflict is just beneath the surface and it will only take a relatively small incident for one or both parties to feel justified in restarting the dispute.
However, it we accept that a compromise does not have to be fair to work, and if we recognize that fairness is not an absolute or a defined quantity, then compromises can work.
Here the participants are satisfied with the outcome because it moves them both closer to their goal. They accept that life is not always going to be fair and therefore they don’t always expect it to be so. They are then able to accept compromises and make them work.
TO PURCHASE THIS BOOK: CLICK HERE: https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/52861.
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Re: Pat Ritter. Books

Postby patritter » Tue May 01, 2018 10:24 pm

'Closing The Gap' - Page 5:

THE ‘I WIN, YOU WIN’ RESPONSE (Both parties’ needs are met):
The fourth conflict response can be called the problem solving response. This particular style of conflict resolution tries to bring the conflict out into the open and allows for the understanding of the other party’s needs and goals.
The emphasis here is on both parties being happy with the outcome. When both parties are trying to help the other to win, while winning themselves, creative solutions can emerge. These solutions would not emerge if the parties are anxious, angry or pulling in different directions.
It is important to note that just sharing information in a supportive climate can result in people changing their goals and deciding to help someone else achieve theirs, thus resolving any conflict in the process.
In a family situation, particularly when you have teenage children, this type of problem solving response can be very effective. It reinforces the self-esteem of all people involved and once the fear of doing something differently is overcome, it can be a very useful and natural response.
While there may be an obvious preference for this particular conflict response, it can’t be recommended for all conflict situations. The trick to resolving conflict successfully lies in the ability to be flexible, but unfortunately flexibility is not a quality many of us have. It has been shown that each of us, most of the time, use only one or possibly two of the four different conflict resolution styles. Unfortunately we don’t stop to think which method would give us the best results.
Let us return to Fred’s experience to see what helped him in his family crisis.
Fred’s first response was naturally an emotional one. His first constructive step was to deal with his feelings and to accept the fact that his daughter had lied to him. He then began to focus on the outcome he wanted.
That outcome was for his daughter to grow up to be an independent person, able to succeed in whatever she decided to do. Once Fred had clarified his goal, he felt better. He decided to dismiss his spur of the moment, emotional solutions such as taking her to another school, as he could see they would not have contributed towards his goal.
By using the ‘I win, you win’ approach, Fred and his daughter agreed on the importance of honesty and truthfulness. He developed a way in which his daughter was allowed to strive for and eventually prove that she was worthy of her parent’s trust.
If Fred had not allowed her to do this, if he had restricted her freedom or changed her surroundings, he would have demonstrated that he could not trust her. Then he could have certainly expected repeated crisis within his family as the real problem issues would not have been dealt with. Fred chose to use the ‘I win, You win’ response. All the members of his family benefited from his decision.
TO PURCHASE THIS BOOK: CLICK HERE: https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/52861.
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Re: Pat Ritter. Books

Postby patritter » Wed May 02, 2018 9:03 pm

'Closing The Gap' - Page 6:

THE FIRST STEP IS SELF CONTROL:
Conflict is with us and always will be. Usually we become anxious in conflict situations. When we become anxious, we cease to be able to reason logically and often we’re not even able to see the effects of our actions on us or those around us. We feel as if we have no choices and we are forced by the other person to behave the way we do. We feel that it is the other person’s fault.

We always have the power
To choose our behaviour.

When dealing with interpersonal conflict, it is important that you are cool, collected and prepared at the start of the discussion. If you are frustrated and rushed at the start, the chances of a constructive solution are not good.
CHOOSING YOUR RESPONSE:
It is important to remember that all four responses are appropriate in different situations at different times and with different people. So if you consistently use one method, even if it is the ‘I win You win’ response, it might so happen that you will use it in an inappropriate situation and then the conflict you are trying to solve may escalate instead.
The important thing to do is to analyse how you are responding and to evaluate how successfully you are handling conflict at the moment. If you are not happy with the success rate, think about choosing a different response.
When choosing your response you should not only look at what will resolve the problem in the short-term but whether the problem will reoccur in the long-term.
For instance, you may have a particular problem – say your son has come home an hour late and missed his homework time. You can force a solution to that problem by punishing him. If you did this, you would be using the competitive ‘I win, You lose’ response.
This response, however, could end up having a negative effect in the long run because your son may rebel against your punishment, seeing it as unfair and unjust.
He may decide that even if he has to sit at his desk, he is just not going to study as you want him to. Instead he may choose to read a magazine or just sit there and daydream. In this situation you have won the battle but lost the war and your son lost both the battle and the war.
In this situation no one really gains anything. There was just such an experience in my own life. My parents forced me to study during my high school years. I rebelled by reading a novel and pretended to study whenever my parents came into the room.
I became quite expert at hiding novels under study books and listening for the sounds of approaching parents. We both lost the battle and I also lost the war.
After leaving home, I decided to study for a degree but found it extremely difficult to study. I now realise that I had learnt to be dependent upon my parent’s constant reminders to study. I had learnt to associate sitting down to study with daydreaming and relaxation.
My parents thought they were helping me to study and to achieve my goals. The way that I reacted to their help provided me with a handicap when I actually wanted to study.
It is important that you look at the long term and short term effects of using a particular response to conflict. In some instances, such as in a life threatening emergency, the short term is more important. In other situations the long term understanding will be far more vital. The important thing is to have an understanding of the four methods and be able to implement the appropriate method for the particular situation.
One way to develop this skill is to try the different responses. Analyse the situation and choose the response you think will be the most effective. Then try this method and assess the results. If it doesn’t work try another method. Learn to analyse the situation first, then make an informed choice and finally evaluate that choice.
TO PURCHASE THIS BOOK: CLICK HERE: https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/52861.
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Re: Pat Ritter. Books

Postby patritter » Thu May 03, 2018 9:53 pm

'Closing The Gap' - Page 7:

CHAPTER 2
How To Respond Constructively To Family Problems:
Parents and problems are two words that seem to go hand in hand. All parents have problems be they large or small. Everyone has, has had, or will have, problems. Problems, like conflict, are part of everyone’s life. Therefore the way we handle problems as parents is very important.
Firstly, we act as role models for our children. This means that children are likely to copy their parent’s reaction to problems. If we react to a problem by choosing the first solution that pops into our head, then we should not be surprised if they react in the same way.
Secondly, the quality of our solutions has a direct bearing on their lives. If we handle our problems well, then they will generally share in the rewards.
WHOSE PROBLEM IS IT?
It is important that parents have the ability to clarify who has the responsibility for a problem. ‘Responsibility’ is not meant to suggest blame, but rather who actually possesses the problem. Is it my personal problem? Is it my son’s problem? Is it a family problem? If it is my problem then I must take the responsibility for solving it. If it is my son’s problem then he must take responsibility for solving it. If it is a family problem then all members must take responsibility, provided the children are old enough to contribute in a meaningful way.
Deciding whose problem it is, is vital.
Parents have a natural tendency to try and solve problems irrespective of whose problem it is. If we try to solve our children’s problems then we cannot win. If we fail, it is all our fault. (Generally we do fail because our children have no commitment to the solution and so provide little effort to make it work.)
If we do happen to provide a successful solution, then not only do they take the credit for it but also we have robbed them of valuable life experience. We have made them more dependent upon us instead of less dependent.
When safety is not a factor, they are better off choosing a bad solution and learning from their mistake than they are being dependent upon someone else’s decision-making skills.
Thus the decision to become involved in a problem or not, is as important as the quality of the solution. The test of whose problem it is, is simple: Ask: ‘Who is going to be affected by the outcome?’
If the answer is you and you alone, then it is your problem. If the answer is your son, then it is his problem. For example, if your son has to be constantly reminded to be on time for his football practice, then you have taken responsibility for getting him there on time. Who is going to be affected if he is late? He is. Then let him be late and let him take the consequences. This will allow him to learn to be responsible for his actions.
TO PURCHASE THIS BOOK: CLICK HERE: https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/52861.
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Re: Pat Ritter. Books

Postby patritter » Fri May 04, 2018 10:34 pm

'Closing The Gap' - Page 8:

IF IT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
How do you react if you decide that a problem is your responsibility? Do you act with calm logic and with due care to all the possible implications of your decision? Perhaps on some occasions we do, but on other occasions we tend to react instinctively.
Some of these instinctive decisions can be based more on emotions than on facts. When we are calm we tend to go through a series of sequential steps to reach our decisions.
They are:
1. Define the problem and determine the outcome that you desire.
2. Collect any available information which is relevant to the problem.
3. Develop possible solutions and evaluate their likely outcome.
4. Select the best solution.
5. Implement the chosen solution.
6. Evaluate the effectiveness of your decision.
When we make decisions such as buying a house or buying a car most of us generally follow this sort of process. When buying a car we decide what sort of car we need. We then gather information which allows us to develop a list of possibilities, we select the one which best suits our needs and assess its performance as we use it. This information is then used when we wish to buy our next car.
This is all very well when we are dealing with material objects but when we deal with problems involving people we tend to allow ourselves to become emotionally involved. We often react instinctively in the heat of the moment and lose some of the calm detachment that we have when dealing with objects rather than people.
At times an emotional involvement can hinder the solution to a problem. Sometimes we are more concerned with allocating blame and taking revenge rather than concentrating on how to solve the problem. When we are emotionally involved we stop considering the issues, perhaps to defend ourselves, often by attacking others. In this situation we do not even admit the possibility that we could be wrong.
By reacting emotionally we lose our ability to see the issues objectively. We firmly believe that the problem was caused by someone else, that we are blameless and that the solution rests with the other person doing the right thing.
RESOLVING INTERPERSONAL PROBLEMS:
Cast your mind back to Fred’s experience. Recall that he didn’t expect his daughter to lie to him, so when it did happen, his natural reaction was emotional.
Parents who are unaware of what they can do to resolve family conflicts will go through stages of anxiety, grief and anger (a normal part of human behaviour in these circumstances) but these emotions do nothing to help them solve the problem.
Fred’s experience also shows us that people often try to solve the symptoms of a problem rather than the cause of the problem. We tend to do this because we feel very uncomfortable when we are experiencing interpersonal problems.
Being uncomfortable, we tend to look for an easy and quick solution. Thus we often try to solve the problem by clutching the first solution that we think of. Reaction to problems in this way often creates further problems. We may find that we have suppressed the symptoms but then the underlying problem will take on new symptoms.
For example Fred’s first thoughts about solving his problem was to send his daughter to another school. This course of action would have solved only the symptom, not the cause of the problem, but Fred could have done this firmly believing that he was doing the right thing for his daughter.
Taking his daughter out of the company she was in and putting her among strangers would probably have been ineffective, as she would most likely have been more susceptible to peer group influence because of her desire to fit in with her new schoolmates.
Thus the problem would then have recurred at some time later. Another example of the symptom being solved rather than the cause is when we send a child to his room to study.
Hanging around the house and not doing any homework is the symptom of a problem, not the cause. The main problem is how can we encourage the child to want to study.
Very often we are only solving symptoms because we do not know what the real problem is. Either we cannot find the real problem or we decide not to look too closely for we may have to share responsibility for it. It is simply easier to say he’s lazy and then try to force him to study.
It is a natural reaction to put the blame for a problem on someone else.
‘You make me upset.’
‘If it weren’t for you I’d…’
‘After all the things I’ve done for you.’
‘It’s all your fault.’
These are common statements that we all make. What we are really saying is that we have had no responsibility for the problem. It is sometimes easier to blame someone else than it is to acknowledge our own short-comings.
TO PURCHASE THIS BOOK: CLICK HERE: https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/52861.
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Re: Pat Ritter. Books

Postby patritter » Sat May 05, 2018 10:39 pm

'Closing The Gap' - Page 9:

ALL FAMILY MEMBERS CAN HELP TO RESOLVE PROBLEMS:
There are significant advantages to be gained by involving your children in the problem solving process. One advantage is that they will begin to learn about the realities of life that they will face when they are adults.
Let me explain this by an example. Imagine that you have been taking your family to a particular holiday spot for several years because it is easy to get to and you can spend a relaxing two weeks while still keeping within your budget. Your children now tell you that they are bored with that location and want to go somewhere more exciting.
Simply telling them that it is not up to them to decide where to go and to stop complaining, will have several negative consequences. An alternative approach would be to explain that as your money is not unlimited, the family holiday cannot cost more than the budget figure. The children could then be invited to compile a list of possible destinations which would fit this budget.
A number of outcomes from this exercise are possible: (a) they may be able to find a better holiday location (everybody wins); (b) they may realise that the spot they were going to wasn’t so bad after all (everybody wins); (c) they may decide that there are other ways to make a holiday more interesting for example by camping out instead of renting a unit and using the money saved for extra entertainment (everyone wins).
Whatever the final outcome, the problem-solving experience can be a positive one for all the family.
One of the major advantages that family decision making has, is that if all members contribute to the making of a decision, then they are more likely to be committed to the decision. Thus if your teenage son has had some input into the questions of when he is to come home from a night out, then there is more chance of disciplining himself in line with those guidelines than there is if his parents had simply told him to be home at a certain time (or else).
Family problem solving stimulates communication and allows each member of the family to put their views and feelings forward in a supportive family environment. Problems can actually bring a family closer together if all members work as a team towards a common objective.
Another advantage of family decision making is simply that ‘two heads can be better than one’. Frequently by having a family discussion, you will generate a better solution to a problem than if only one person made the decision. Your children may know something that you are unaware of and if you don’t ask them for their views, then don’t be surprised if they lament that ‘our parents don’t understand us’. The actual decision you arrive at may be a higher quality decision because of the participation of other family members.
To make family decisions more effective, parents should also be aware of the disadvantages in family decision making. One of the disadvantages is that it can be time consuming. However, the time you would have to spend to reach a decision with your children can be very valuable in itself as today’s parents often spend little time actually communicating with their children.
Obviously not all decisions should be taken with the full involvement of all family members. For example, if you have to decide whether to move interstate to accept a good job offer, you and your spouse may be the only family members with a full knowledge of all the future ramifications of this problem. Even in this case though, a family meeting could be held to explain to the children the reasons for the decision and to bring out into the open any fears that the children may have.
Another major problem with family decision making is the lack of skill that most of us have when holding such a meeting. Parents have to be able to handle this type of meeting effectively. It is no use calling a meeting together and then telling the children to be quiet and listen. Children have to be encouraged to make a real contribution to the discussions. The effectiveness of family meetings will depend on the parent’s ability to set the scene and to foster the development of the other family members.
TO PURCHASE THIS BOOK: CLICK HERE: https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/52861.
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Re: Pat Ritter. Books

Postby patritter » Sun May 06, 2018 10:56 pm

'Closing The Gap' - Page 10:

IT’S OK FOR PARENTS TO SAY NO!
Family meetings do not abrogate parents’ responsibility. As parents, we have a responsibility for our children i.e. their health, safety and development. We should not lightly disregard our views in favour of our children’s in such important matters. Parents can agree on standards, clearly communicate these standards to their children and caringly but firmly uphold them.
If we feel that it is unsafe for our child to go somewhere, then it is not necessarily wrong to ban him irrespective of whether the child feels it is safe or not. But we must be prepared to bear the consequences of that decision and to endeavour to gain our child’s understanding of our reasons.
Your understanding of these issues will assist you to build stronger family relations. This is in fact what had been experienced by Jane and her parents. The turmoil that her family was going through was not just because of their financial hardship but more importantly, because of the way Jane’s parents reacted to this problem.
Jane was bought to speak with Pat (co-author) by her parents because she had run away from home. Her parents were shocked and outraged by Jane’s behaviour and they wanted someone to straighten her out. It became obvious during the discussion, that all three had justified their behaviour to themselves.
All three believed they were in the right. All three felt blameless. Jane’s parents felt that she had no cause to act the way she did. They were angry and hurt but then so was Jane; otherwise she would not have run away. Jane felt that running away was the only thing she could do. It wasn’t of course, but Jane felt that it was.
Jane’s parents had hidden their financial problems from her while they argued with each other about who was responsible. The arguments worsened until Jane felt there was no option but to leave home. She had realized something was wrong and had begun to feel that she was responsible for her family’s conflict.
She said that she could no longer listen to the arguments. Jane’s parents had become entangled in emotional arguments instead of coming to grips with the cause of the problems. They were on a non productive merry-go-round which was contributing to the break-up of their family.
The only way this problem could be resolved was through frank and open communication together with the application of the problem solving process outlined earlier. Only in this way could each member feel needed and useful.
Jane and her parents talked to each other and most importantly, listened to each other’s views. They stopped attacking each other and instead started to attack the financial problems they were having together. They left Pat’s office as a family, realizing that they would have to work at it to keep it that way.
The way a family handles its problems says a lot about the quality and strength of the relationship within that family. Take time now to think about how your family reacts to its problems.
TO PURCHASE THIS BOOK: CLICK HERE: https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/52861.
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