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Re: Pat Ritter. Books

Postby patritter » Mon May 21, 2018 10:59 pm

'Closing The Gap' - Page 19:

9.ASK QUESTIONS
Asking questions encourages your child and shows that you are listening. Ask ‘open’ questions, and by this I mean questions such as ‘how did you feel when this happened to you?’ Open questions have to be answered with words rather than with ‘yes’ or ‘no’ statements. This encourages a child to give an explanation which may not have been given if the answer could have been simply ‘yes’ or ‘no’.
Open questions are very useful where feelings are concerned. Don’t be afraid to ask questions which deal with the feelings of someone else, as feelings are the cornerstone of relationships.
10.USE FEEDBACK
Another technique we can use to ensure that our message has been understood is to ask for ‘feedback’.
Feedback is simply the obtaining of evidence from your child that he has understood your message correctly. This is done most effectively by asking ‘open’ questions based on the message you are communicating.
So if you are asking a child to change his study timetable because of some family activity, one way to ensure that he understands this is to ask him a question such as ‘how are you going to arrange your timetable?’ If you don’t ask, you will never know if your intended message was received accurately.
When messages are passed from one person to another, slight changes can often be made, so the message the recipient gets may be distorted. By receiving the right feedback, you will be assured that your message has been received correctly.
11.USE APPROPRIATE LANGUAGE
Just as listening is vital to communication, so too is the language that you use. When talking to a child make sure the language you use is readily understood by him.
By using language that children understand, you are better able to communicate with them.
12.TIME YOUR COMMUNICATION FOR MAXIMUM EFFECT
If you want to discuss something with your child, you have to pick a time that fits in with the child and of course, yourself.
If your child is starting out for a game of cricket or if he is studying, then wait until he returns from his game or until he has finished his homework, so that effective communication can occur. If our minds are on another activity, communication breakdowns are likely.
Communication requires the attention of both parties. If either one is actually thinking about something else, then the attempted communication will not be successful.
13.SAY ‘I’ RATHER THAN ‘YOU’
Communicate your feelings by using sentences starting with ‘I’ rather than ‘you’. This way you will be assisting your child to develop responsibility for his actions.
It is better to say ‘I am not happy with you leaving this room in such a mess’ than it is to shout ‘you never tidy up after yourself – do you?’ The latter statement generally gets the unspoken answer: ‘so what!’ and it generally isn’t effective in changing the child’s behaviour.
TO PURCHASE THIS BOOK: CLICK HERE: https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/52861.
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Re: Pat Ritter. Books

Postby patritter » Tue May 22, 2018 10:59 pm

'Closing The Gap' - Page 20:

14.USE ONLY CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM
Part of the skill in being specific when criticising is the use of neutral or non-explosive language. This type of language helps to stop people becoming defensive. If the way we speak causes other people to react defensively, then we seldom achieve our goals. Defensive people are more interested in justifying their actions than communicating effectively or solving a problem.
It is easy to use explosive, emotive words when we’re upset. These words then trigger emotional reactions in the other person, which generally means both people lose interest in what is best for themselves and others. Always be open and receptive to others.
Part of being open is the desire to listen and if we listen effectively, we could find out things that otherwise we wouldn’t have found out.
We can find knowledge in all sorts of unlikely places if only we allow ourselves to do so. Do you really know how your children see you or how they see the world they live in? You can find out by communicating effectively. That will assist you to reach them.
It will also allow them to reach you. It will help to promote a better understanding of each other’s problems, hopes and fears. This leads to a stronger relationship.
The way we feel about ourselves is largely determined by the way others relate to us.
A lot of criticism in our society tends to be personal criticism which doesn’t help anyone to grow and therefore doesn’t help them to avoid the same mistakes. Sending the message ‘you did a lousy job’ is nowhere near as effective as saying ‘I think that this was done well but this could have been done better’.
This way the criticism becomes more impersonal. You’re not attacking the person’s self-worth, only the unacceptable behaviour.
Constant negative criticism can destroy our self-worth and lead to negative self-fulfilling prophecies coming true. After all, the intention behind the criticism is to help the person grow so that they won’t make the same mistake again. It should not be used to reinforce a negative self-image.
15.TALK LESS
If you are talking all the time then you simply cannot be listening and if you’re not listening, then there is no way you can communicate effectively.
PRACTISING YOUR SKILLS
These skills, like all other skills, need to be practised. I am not advocating that you go around consciously thinking of these techniques all of the time. If you do you will lose the spontaneity which is essential in close human contact.
Instead you could concentrate on one point, such as good listening and practise that. Then you could take another point, such as sharing your feelings with ‘I’ statements and practise that. Eventually your communication effectiveness will improve and, as a result, people will get positive messages from you.
It is also important to try and relive in your mind past communication attempts to see how you could have been more effective. This is worth the effort, as mastering these skills is vital when discussing matters important to you and other members of your family.
Developing these skills is similar to learning to drive a car. You don’t just hop in and enter a Grand Prix event after your first lesson. You practise, you experiment, you learn gradually and then when you’re ready to take the test, you have the confidence to do it well.
Learn these simple skills and practise them, because with practise they will be available when you need them. Communication skills are like any other skills. If they are not used, they’ll get rusty.
Communication skills can be learnt. They are effective and using them will enrich your life and enrich the lives of those around you. They will help to strengthen your relationships with other family members.
TO PURCHASE THIS BOOK: CLICK HERE: https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/52861.
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Re: Pat Ritter. Books

Postby patritter » Wed May 23, 2018 10:59 pm

'Closing The Gap' - Page 21:

CHAPTER 5
HOW TO MOTIVATE YOUR CHILDREN CONSTRUCTIVELY
How parents throughout the ages have wished that they could wave a magic wand and motivate their children to achieve what they wanted them to achieve?
My parents tried to motivate me to study during my school days but to no avail. It wasn’t through lack of effort on their part that I wasn’t motivated, but through lack of skill. What they didn’t realise was that effective motivation comes from within the person.
EFFECTIVE MOTIVATION COMES FROM WITHIN
Motivation cannot be transferred from one person to another, no matter how well intentioned the attempt may be.
Parents who rely on force to motivate their children are treading on shaky ground. They can force outward compliance such as forcing the child to sit and study for 2 hours a day, but they cannot control the quality of work that the child does during this time.
They can make sure their child does his assignments on time but they cannot make him do his best. He has to want to do that. Parents simply can’t force their children to do quality work, however they can influence them so that they want to do quality work. This is effective motivation for it is self motivation.
The emphasis in this chapter will be on creating a climate where the child is encouraged to motivate himself.
The single most important part of successful motivation is to realize that it is a personal force. It springs from the needs and desires of an individual. A need or desire cannot forcibly be imposed by another person. Therefore to succeed in motivating another person, you have to encourage or create the desire and then let that person motivate themselves. Let me give you a personal example.
My wife and I gave our daughter her first bicycle on her fifth birthday. It was a very exciting time and as I look back at it now, all the excitement was ours. In the following few weeks we ‘motivated’ her and ‘taught’ her how to ride. But despite all our efforts, she continually fell off, got hurt and cried her eyes out.
We couldn’t understand her behaviour as she was well co-ordinated in other physical activities. I even remember threatening (or should I say motivating) her by saying I would give her bike to someone else who could ride it. The bike eventually went to the shed and we gave up ‘motivating’ her.
Some months later, my daughter came to me and asked if she could learn to ride her bike again. In a state of mild shock, I agreed and in less than 10 minutes she had learnt to ride. She had made the decision herself that she wanted to learn, and she did. She still fell off her bike but this time she wanted to get back on.
My daughter learnt to ride her bike when she had a desire to do so. She didn’t learn when we had a desire for her to learn.
If your child has no desire to do his best at school, you can’t motivate him to do so. You can increase his need to do well by showing him that he will achieve something that he values, if he puts more effort into his school work.
He will then motivate himself to remove the obstacles which lie in his path. To motivate him this way, you have to know what excites or challenges him. This takes time and communication skills but if students really want to achieve their goals, they can do so even in spite of bad teachers and poor conditions.
Did you know that there are available over 100 different books in the English language from which students could learn effective study techniques? Yet most students, even some who know how to study effectively, choose to study in an inefficient manner. These students then blame either these study techniques, their parents, their teachers or even their school for their lack of success.
TO PURCHASE THIS BOOK: CLICK HERE: https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/52861.
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Re: Pat Ritter. Books

Postby patritter » Thu May 24, 2018 11:32 pm

'Closing The Gap' - Page 22:

Desire + Belief = Success
A self-motivated student who desperately wants to achieve a goal and believes that he can, will do so in spite of obstacles. The major difference lies within the student and not in his surroundings.
The words ‘and believes that he can’ are very important because it illustrates a fundamental concept for effective motivation. This is the concept of the self-fulfilling prophecy. Henry Ford’s famous quote illustrates his belief in this concept.
He said, ‘If you think you can do it, you can. If you think you can’t, you’re right again’.
We all achieve according to the limits which we have placed upon ourselves. If your child really believes that he can never achieve good results in social maths, then he will prove himself right, irrespective of the amount of help that you or his teacher gives him.
However, if he believes that he will achieve good results then he is likely to do so even if he gets no help from you or his teacher. It is what he believes in, that is critical.
SELF-ESTEEM IS VITAL
A child’s expectations come from his view of himself and this view is called self-esteem or self-image.
Initially our self-esteem is largely determined by the way significant adults (such as parents and teachers) react to us. From a very early stage in life we get an idea of whether we are valued or not.
We interpret this value from the messages we receive. If a child is often scolded then he may decide that he isn’t worth very much. This may in fact be an incorrect interpretation of the way other people value him but it is his interpretation that counts.
Any child who has a low opinion of himself will expect to fail in most things that he does. When he fails, his lack of worth is reinforced by both his own acknowledgement of his failure the comments from the significant people in his life.
He then has further reasons to believe he will not succeed in a similar situation; therefore he will not be motivated to try and do well in the future.
If a child is successful in some endeavour, then his opinion of himself is quite different. He will expect to be successful in similar activities and the significant people in his life will expect this also. Therefore this child will be motivated to try and do well in the future.
This is a simple yet powerful concept for parents because all parents have a big impact upon the positive or negative self-esteem of their children.
YOU CAN IMPROVE YOUR CHILDREN’S SELF-ESTEEM
All parents send messages to their children about their self-worth every time they interact with them. If we criticise them, as distinct from criticising their behaviour, they will believe us e.g. if you say that they are clumsy, they will act that way and begin to think themselves as clumsy. Then they will tell themselves and others that they are clumsy.
When we praise them, the same process applies. They know that they are good so their self-esteem and potential performance level goes up.
Let me demonstrate the relationship between positive comments and performance by describing a class exercise which I have conducted with adult students called Penny Pitching.
The class is divided into three groups and each group goes to a different room well away from the other groups. The object of this exercise revolves around each student throwing a 20 cent coin against the wall so that it rebounds off the wall and lands on a strip of tape that has been placed on the floor. The members of the groups are randomly selected and all are given identical instructions. Each group has a scorer whose job it is to record each ‘hit’.
Special instructions are issued to these scorers without the knowledge of the rest of the students. One scorer is to do nothing but praise the efforts of the students in his group. The second scorer is to do nothing but criticise the efforts of his group. The third scorer is told not to react in any way to anything that happens in the group.
While the students are throwing their coins, I visit each group. I praise the ‘positive’ group. I criticise the ‘negative’ group and I remain silent in the ‘no response’ group. As I visit each group, the power of this simple exercise always amazes me.
The ‘positive’ group always have a great time, with clapping and cheering going on constantly. These groups create their own supportive environment. The ‘negative’ groups don’t know what hit them. Some of the participants try to rebel while others just take the criticism. Whatever the reaction, their performance is impaired. In the ‘no response’ groups, the students wonder why they are wasting their time. They become bored. They don’t interact with each other but just drift along waiting for the exercise to finish.
At the completion of the exercise, the scores are totalled and compared with the other groups. The ‘positive’ group scores the highest points, the ‘negative group’ generally scores the second place and the ‘no response’ group usually scores third place. These results have been consistently achieved every time I have run this exercise, even though the groups are selected on a random basis and the task does not require any special skill.
During the discussion which follows this exercise, the participants agree that positive comments are tied to performance through self-esteem. They agree that negative comments are destructive over a long-term but that negative comments are better than being ignored. It is apparent that some recognition, whether positive or negative, is better than none at all. Your children will look to you for an indication of their self-worth. They will judge their worth by the way you react to them.
Children who have a healthy self-image will not only be more successful but they will also be less dominated by peer group influence. This is an important point because parents of teenage children are not the only significant people in their children’s lives. Friends in the child’s ‘social’ circle also have an impact. In some cases this impact, or peer group influence, can be quite devastating to the child and his parents.
TO PURCHASE THIS BOOK: CLICK HERE: https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/52861.
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Re: Pat Ritter. Books

Postby patritter » Fri May 25, 2018 10:45 pm

'Closing The Gap' - Page 23:

PEER GROUP INFLUENCE
Peer group influence is a very powerful force in our lives both for adults and children. Be careful to praise all aspects of desirable behaviour. A child who is regularly praised for intellectual, emotional, compassionate and physical activities will have a healthy self-image and a healthy respect for others.
A school bully praised only for his ability to use his fists is likely to become a more effective bully. For example Adolf Hitler had a very strong self-image but his parents would not have been proud of his achievements. He lacked that essential quality of respect for others.
Many people today feel that our youth are more easily influenced by their friends. If this is true then perhaps it is because of the way we, as parents, react to our children, rather than due to the changing times.
In earlier times, tougher economic conditions meant that many children were motivated to work early in life to assist their family. They saw the value of their work whether it was milking cows or growing vegetables. They were used to doing things by themselves and were given responsibilities and most importantly, recognition from their parents at an early age. They felt good about themselves as they could see their contribution to the security and physical needs of their family. This contributed to a healthy self-esteem.
Today, most children do not have to work in any meaningful way to help support their families. Many children are now reliant upon social contacts to reinforce their self-image.
This is logical when you consider that they have more free time than their grandparents did at their age and many have less worthwhile things to do with this extra time.
Therefore most children quite rightly regard their circle of friends as vital to their well-being. They strive to fit in with group values and behaviours. Peer group influence is very hard if not impossible to resist because a large proportion of their self-esteem is determined by what their friends think about them.
Numerous children have broken the law even though they knew that what they were doing was wrong. They feared losing their place in the group more than the consequences of being caught or the possibility of injury. To demonstrate this point here is a factual example of what happened to a teenage girl.
A group of Grade 9 students (boys and girls) were truanting. They began to drink alcohol and sniff petrol. Not surprisingly one of the girls became seriously ill, so her ‘friends’ carried her unconscious body back to their school and left her where they thought she would be found. Fortunately for her she was found in time. This girl clinically died three times while being driven in the ambulance to hospital. The doctor who attended her managed to revive her each time and the experience deeply moved him.
When he returned to see her in hospital, he told her how close she came to death. But instead of finding that the girl was shocked and sorry at what had happened to her, he found that she was pleased with her experience. To her it meant that her social standing in the group had risen – she was now a celebrity. In short, she had no intention of reforming at all because she had no reason to change.
Peer group influence is not a new phenomenon but because of the wide availability of many types of drugs today, it can be more damaging than in earlier years, even fatal. However it should also be noted that peer group influence can have a positive effect if the group values are similar to the values of their parents. For example, if a child wants to be accepted into a group of athletes who don’t smoke, then he is less likely to smoke.
TO PURCHASE THIS BOOK: CLICK HERE: https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/52861.
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Re: Pat Ritter. Books

Postby patritter » Sat May 26, 2018 10:58 pm

'Closing The Gap' - Page 24:

HELP YOUR CHILDREN TO BE ABLE TO COPE SUCCESSFULLY WITH PEER GROUP INFLUENCE
Rather than saying something like ‘kids today are just plain stupid’, perhaps it would be helpful if we look at children who are strong enough to resist undesirable peer group influence. The lessons we learnt may assist us to help our children to cope with this influence for not all children allow their social needs to rule their lives.
Children with high self-esteem who are used to experiencing success, in any field, are able to cope more effectively with peer pressure. Therefore parents can help their children by encouraging them to be interested in some activity in which they can be successful. The actual activity is not important. It could be physical, cultural or intellectual.
The important thing to consider is your children’s need to feel good about themselves and confident in their relationships with other people. It is particularly important that they are confident of a good relationship with their parents. This means that parents should make a habit of spending quality time with each of their children while utilizing the good communication skills discussed in Chapter 4.
Succeeding in an activity is critical. By succeeding, I do not necessarily mean winning by beating everyone else. What is important is the setting of achievable goals within the activity and rewarding your child when that goal is reached.
In this way your child will associate reaching a goal with self-satisfaction. He will then be able to set out and achieve goals in other areas and be on the road to becoming an independent person.
He will be able to think logically about the consequences of his actions and ascertain whether it moves him closer or further away from his goals. Then when confronted with peer group influence, as everyone is, he will be more likely to make sound decisions.
This can only work if the child (not you) sets his goals. It we set a goal to which our child is not committed, than failure is likely to follow. The result would be a drop in self-esteem which is the opposite of what we were aiming for.
Positive results will come when your child works towards a goal which is important to him. It is also important to give praise and encouragement to your children when they are working to achieve their goals. Do not withhold your praise until they have reached it. The fact that they are working towards a goal is more important than the goal itself, for it is this goal-seeking behaviour that you wish to encourage.
This continuous praise also helps to build self-esteem. If they have decided to give up a loved activity such as playing football or watching television in order to achieve their goal, then the fact that they are doing this should be praised. This will encourage greater commitment and a very positive attitude. However, your praise should be natural and spontaneous. If it is forced or insincere, it will be damaging indeed.
TO PURCHASE THIS BOOK: CLICK HERE: https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/52861.
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Re: Pat Ritter. Books

Postby patritter » Sun May 27, 2018 9:53 pm

'Closing The Gap' - Page 25:

EFFECTIVE MOTIVATION THROUGH ENCOURAGEMENT OF INDEPENDENCE
The basic message of this chapter is simple. If we, as parents, create an effective family environment, then our children will grow to be self-motivated adults.
One of the most difficult decisions for parents to make is when to ‘let go’ of their children and encourage independence.
In their early years our children are totally dependent on us. We feed them, clothe them and give them all they need. Then from about two years of age they show that they have a mind of their own.
They demand a certain degree of independence and the difficult thing in parenting is to encourage that independence while making sure that they come to no harm.
When a bird hatches out of its egg, its mother searches for food and feeds her chick until it is old enough to fly from its nest. If we don’t prepare our children to ‘fly from our nest’ they will become dependent upon us. In other words, they will get so used to others thinking and acting for them that they become incapable of filling an independent role in society. They become incapable of motivating themselves.
Stories abound in English literature of parents giving their children everything they physically desired. These children were not encouraged to acquire what they wanted by their own efforts.
They were given everything that they wanted by their well-intentioned parents. The message that these children actually received is ‘you do as I want you to do and I will look after you’. This message breeds dependence, and failure usually follows. The children are then considered to be irresponsible and ungrateful. This is a situation in which everyone loses.
We also find that if we try to keep them dependent when they wish to be independent of us, we incite rebellion. If dependence is not given when rebellion occurs, we have conflict. So we’re in a dilemma for which there is no easy solution.
My son presented us with a dilemma when he was two years old. He wanted to fill his own cup from the jug. If I allowed him to pour, he would make a mess and if I didn’t, how would he learn? Needless to say, he learnt to pour at an early age.
We want them to be independent but if we let go of them too soon, they may not be capable of handling themselves in the outside world. What I am saying is that we should sit down and consider how best to assist our children’s path towards independence. By ‘assist’ I mean how to help them to help themselves, not giving things to them. In fact independence in some things should be encouraged at all times even when our children are young.
Obviously if young children can’t tie their shoelaces you must do it for them, but there comes a time when you should ask them to try to do it themselves otherwise they might want you to tie them up even when they are physically capable of doing it themselves.
What we must do is choose the time when they are ready to learn then encourage them to want to learn how to tie up their shoelaces.
When they do learn, smile at them, hug them, tell them that they are very clever and what good children they are as well. They will smile back and be happy. They will feel good. They have achieved something and success, even in this small task, is important.
This is a very simple concept but it applies right throughout their lives. We know we cannot sit for their exams, nor can we learn for them, but we can help them to learn for themselves. Let me give you a personal example of how a parent can help his child to become more independent.
It was suggested by my mother that my daughter (then aged 6) stay a few days with her during the school holidays. When my wife and I first heard this we didn’t think that our daughter would want to be apart from us, even for a night.
Then we gave it some thought. What we were really saying was that we didn’t want her to be away from us.
Naturally we felt uneasy about our daughter being away from home but then we realised that we were only concerned with our feelings and that the experience of staying with her grandparents would actually assist her to become more independent.
We decided to let our daughter make the decision and to our surprise she wanted to go. To us that meant our daughter was ready to go and holding her back would have only encouraged dependence?
Even though I realised this, it was still very hard not let her go. I think those few days were far harder on us than they were on her. In fact I know they were because she had a great time while we worried about her. By conquering our fears, we allowed her to grow.
What is being emphasized here is that it is not easy to let go but when you do let go and see the results, it is worth it. If you don’t let go, the results will not bring you, or your children, happiness.
In fact the very things that you have tried to avoid will probably eventuate. So you must let go. It is just a matter of when. If you let go too soon, you’ve got to be prepared to pick them up, put them back on their feet and send them off again. You cannot keep them dependent on you. That will only lead to failure, for you as a parent and for your children as individuals.
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