mzawf.org

My psychiatrist showed me half a dozen ink blotches and each one I described as sexual.
"You're obsessing about sex." He told me.
"Well you're the one with all the dirty pictures.' I replied.

went for a run but came back home after 2 minutes because I forgot something
I forgot that I’m fat and
can’t run for more than 2 minutes.
I've decided to try and make a bit money by writing some dieting books
I'm hoping they’ll appeal to a very wide audience....
I walked past a pet shop advertising cats for sale from The Netherlands.
I went in and asked: ‘How Dutch is that moggie in the window....
I can't walk on water But I can stagger on Cabernet Sauvignon
I found someone’s wallet today, and, as a good Christian I thought, 'What would Jesus do?' So I turned it into wine....
I just bought one of those 'smart' light switches, but it was too clever for me so I've replaced it with a dimmer switch ....
I crashed my car yesterday. I told the policeman that the man I crashed into was on his phone and drinking a can of beer.
The policeman said the man could do what he liked in his own front room....
My boss said he saw a badger on his way into work this morning. I said, 'How do you know it was on its way to work?

I went fly fishing yesterday I caught a 4lb blue bottle

My mate told me to put a bet on a horse called Landfill
l thought that's a rubbish tip!

Primary School Children Writing About The Sea....
1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jamie age 6)
3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island . If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent.( Wayne age 7)
4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
5) A dolphin breaths through an arsehole on the top of its head. (Billy age 7)
6) My dad goes out in his boat, and comes back with crabs. (Emily age 5)
7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)
8 )I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)
9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)
10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)
12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other.(Becky age 8 )
13) On holiday my Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny (Julie age 7)

I got jumped on by four fellow passengers once on a flight
All I did was say hello to the pilot
when he popped out of the cockpit!
His name was Jack - I just shouted Hi Jack ....

I see they're making a new Jaws film in Scotland.
It's going to be called
Loch Jaws.

I met an interesting guy today. His great granddaddy invented the crossword puzzle.
His name was P something T something-something....
Bosh!

I made a ventriloquist's dummy out of old carpets. . . .
It was ruggish !